


just for a little while longer

by EasyPeasyPanic



Series: all of my founders era fics [10]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Brother Feels, Brothers, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Gen, Ghosts, Tobirama was a very good big brother, We also have a brief mention as to why edo tensei was created at the end, gonna be honest itama and butsuma die in this too, lotta death, technically there is a suicide in this so be warned, we go over how kawarama got his scar and how he died
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:35:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24919201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EasyPeasyPanic/pseuds/EasyPeasyPanic
Summary: Kawarama is selfish.He doesn't leave. He can't bring himself to leave. Not without his brother, not without knowing if he would be alright. Not if he couldn't protect him. So he follows along, after Tobirama and Itama, sometimes he manages to find Hashirama too.___Kawarama lingers as a ghost after his death
Relationships: Senju Hashirama & Senju Itama & Senju Kawarama & Senju Tobirama, Senju Kawarama & Senju Tobirama
Series: all of my founders era fics [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1718458
Comments: 5
Kudos: 113





	just for a little while longer

**Author's Note:**

> Me @ Myself: you don't need to write about every warring states character there ever was
> 
> Myself @ Me: too late, here's kawarama
> 
> Anyway, for Jay, enjoy

* * *

**_i._ **

Despite being ten or eleven months younger than his older brother, he's nearly three inches taller than him, which is why he quickly learns to walk hunched over to make himself seem smaller. It's a small, barely noticeable act that's private to him, because of all the differences between them, height is one of the few he can manage to fix for his favorite brother.

(There had been a time when they had almost been the same height. And then, Kawarama had grown taller and Tobirama hadn't, and people said things about it. Their father had cruelly remarked it was a shame that Tobirama had been born first, when his younger brother was somehow more fit to lead. Kawarama learned then to slouch, to make up for the difference, if only so he never had to see _that_ look in his brother's eyes.)

Tobirama would never speak a single word of things like their looks. He's never complained, not once, not in their entire lives has he ever said a single bad word about their appearances. Still, Kawarama knows it bothers him, because he's closer to Tobirama than either of his other brothers. Maybe because they're so close in age. Hashirama is far too old (almost four years older) and Itama is a touch too young and more like a tall, fat baby to him. It's different, when you've shared everything since birth, even a cradle because Tobirama wasn't yet out of it when Kawarama came around. When you've grown together with the same face, in the same bed even after they grew out of their shared cradle. It's almost like having another part of himself. 

Their differences are obvious enough without talking about them. Tobirama is different. The pale, thin skin. The pale hair and weak red eyes that are far too sensitive for him to go out during midday, so Kawarama sits cooped up inside to watch his big brother fiddle with his scrolls and sealing techniques so he isn't alone. 

If things were different, if Tobirama's eyes were just a touch more brown than red, if his skin was a little tougher and could take just a bit more direct sunlight, if his hair had darkened into an ashy brown rather than a soft platinum, perhaps it wouldn't bother anyone to note that they look alike. They're nearly identical, except for Tobirama's lack of coloring. Nobody dares say they look similar however, not when the wrath of Senju Butsuma with his harsh pride and temperamental humiliation is ever present. So whenever someone says he looks like his Anija , they mean Hashirama. 

(They don't look alike, though. Hashirama has far too much of their father in him, all high cheekbones and a strong jaw and sun-kissed skin and dark brown eyes. Kawarama doesn't see the resemblance his cousins and clanmates sing praises about to him.)

Mother cried once, when talking about them to their Auntie. "I had thought having another son after Tobirama's...disappointment might help, but it has just served to displease Butsuma more. Kawarama is like looking at what Tobira should have been!" And both boys had to pretend not to have heard it. But that was the first time it came to Kawarama's attention that they _did_ look the same. 

He sees the quiet shame and lingering fury over the comments, however. A nasty mixture that settles over Tobirama's face when it's mentioned, when they compare Kawarama to him and Hashirama, because it's another public reminder of-- of something. Kawarama isn't sure if it humiliates Tobirama that he was born _sensitive_ , as their Mother had quietly put it when it was brought up in conversation, or if it enraged him that his position as elder brother was glossed over entirely. Or maybe worse, it was a reminder of the cruelty their clan was capable of. They shared a face, nearly identical, but neither were allowed to mention it. It probably hurt his feelings, his younger brother decided. 

He doesn't always have the ability to tell. Sometimes, most of the time, Tobirama closes himself off. His face remains a tired neutral, no expressions, no smiles . (Kawarama remembers when he smiled all the time, before, when they stayed with Mother and Hashirama most of the time, when Itama was still very very little.) Which he doesn't blame him for, because he would frown all the time too if he was the constant center of amusement from bitter, angry clansmen that (should have supported him instead of criticize) have spent far too long on the battlefields.

Kawarama used to pray, sometimes with his mother when things weren't so bad and she would whisper of the Gods of the Forest, that there would be something else for them to gawk at. Maybe another sensitive baby to be born into the clan, small and quiet and unable to stand much time in the sun. So they would leave Tobirama alone, so they would find somebody else to stare at with those cruel whispers and quiet laughter and disinterested niceties. 

So that Tobirama would smile again. 

Which is why Kawarama decides to settle the matter himself, since his prayers are unanswered and maybe unheard. It isn't planned, more a stroke of luck, a chance, a sudden opportunity. He's always had this gift, not really much of a trained skill but more like a natural talent, to be able to always tell where a kunai will land, even meters away. Even if it were thrown up in the air at random, he could tell where it would go. The battle is dying down around them, only the last few left dragging it on and on until a stalemate is eventually reached, and Kawarama sees a shuriken flying at him. It's pretty far, but he can tell it's going for his throat, and he has seconds to react. Only seconds. He's horribly afraid, but the thought comes to him like a slap, worse than a kunai through the throat.

_Something new for them to laugh at._

Kawarama hesitates, almost. Because it scares him, the pain he knows he's going to feel, but he isn't a coward. He isn't a coward and he loves his elder brother so much that it aches. So he moves slightly, just a touch, in those few seconds that he has, and he lets the shuriken catch him right in the face.

Everything from there on is a blur. Pain and pain and yelling and a healer's touch. The scarring makes Hashirama weep, clutching onto him so tightly it hurts and shaking his head. His brother places a gentle hand laid against his uninjured cheek. 

That isn't surprising. Hashirama worries too much and cries too often, and the whisperings have already started about Kawarama's tragedy which doesn't comfort his eldest brother either. So many whisperings; about how sad it was that his face was marred by the scarring, about how much it's left him disfigured, and about how it will affect him in the future. 

What does surprise Kawarama is the fact that his big brother doesn't smile when they walk together through the compound after he's released from the healers' small base. He doesn't smile when Kawarama unties the bandages to reveal the tender skin underneath, or when they begin to talk of Kawarama. He doesn't smile when nobody points at him instead, when they laugh at his brother and pretend the elder isn't even there. Tobirama doesn't look any happier to be out of the limelight, he just looks sad beneath that neutrality. 

"Anija?" Kawarama says softly, because he did this for him, so he wouldn't be reminded of what he's not when he looks at his younger brother. So Tobirama wasn't the only one to get stared at. 

So his brother would _smile_ . 

Tobirama's face softens, and he looks so much older than him even though they were born only months apart. "Yes?"

"What's wrong?" Because if Kawarama knew what was wrong, he could fix it. That was what little brothers were made to do, to make their brothers happy, that's why Hashirama was always smiling. _Because I have the best little brothers in the entire Fire Country-- no the world!_

Tobirama frowns deeper, the opposite of everything Kawarama was trying to achieve. He stops mid-stride, turning to him. His hand presses against his cheek lightly, but he moves it away when Kawarama accidentally flinches at the sudden jolt of pain. 

"I'm upset." Tobirama admits, which isn't something he usually does, not out in the open. Feelings are for at night, when they're huddled together under the sheets for warmth, and when they know Hashirama isn't eavesdropping from the other room. "That you were hurt. That they did _this_ to you." 

Kawarama wants to refuse that. He wants to say that, in a way, he hurt himself. He saw it coming. He knew what would happen, and he had plenty of time to move away completely, but he had to do something to make Tobirama feel a little less wrong. But that would probably upset his brother worse, which Kawarama somehow managed to always do, so he just shrugs his shoulders. 

"Oh." He offers, unsure of what to say now. "I'm sorry, Anija." 

Tobirama's eyes narrow. He straightens his back, arms crossing. "You don't have to be sorry." He said quietly. His face twisted into a soft grief. " _They're_ going to be sorry for hurting you." His eyes dart around towards their clansmen and the civilian farmers that whisper behind cupped hands with their wide eyes. "And if they continue to speak badly of you, they'll regret it too. I promise, _otouto_." 

He doesn't feel as if he's helped his brother at all. In fact, Kawarama wonders if he's somehow made the entire situation worse. And if Tobirama clutches him a little closer that night, he says nothing about it. 

(Later, Itama will purchase some sort of tonic from the traveling merchants that come from foreign ports. It will dye half of his hair into a ashy white color, making it brittle and stiff like the end of a wooden broom, but Tobirama will offer a small smile when the boy explains he was just trying to look more like him. Kawarama will rage that night, inside his heart, feeling nothing but stupid and regretful. He hadn't thought of anything other than trying to make them look so distinctly different that Tobirama wouldn't have to look like him. Maybe he should've tried to look more like Tobirama.)

**_____ **

He isn't a sensor. 

Which is probably why he finds it so difficult to imagine being able to feel all of their men and the enemies at a distance _and_ the hidden explosive tags that weave beneath their feet. His brother was truly amazing for handling it all. 

Tobirama's grip on his wrist is painful and bruising. "Stay behind me." He demands, without leaving any room for argument. His bright red eyes gleam in the moonlight, and he looks almost worried. Overwhelmed, maybe, because of everything around them.

It's an old trick, to bury hidden tags beneath the ground. One of the least original ideas in the shinobi world of tactics and deceptions, but one of the most effective. There aren't many sensors, not with skills strong enough to feel the strings and threads of chakra that connect the tags beneath the earth, charged with chakra that awaits even the slightest pressure. There's dozens upon dozens across the Hagoromo clan's territory, and Tobirama must be able to feel every single one of them. He maneuvers Kawarama over the uncertain grounds first, careful and deliberate. And then the others. 

His nails are digging deep into Kawarama's skin as he tugs him along. It almost hurts. 

"Stay beside me." Tobirama says again. There's a blade in one hand, and Kawarama has his hand pressed tightly against the hilt of his blade. He slowly begins to mark where the explosives are by dragging his sandal into the near it. They make it a good distance, and then his brother is ripped away from him when a tag goes off behind them. 

The shouting begins, out of nowhere. An ambush. With nowhere to run. Kawarama is flung far from his brother by a kunai with an explosive tag that forces them to seperate hastily, but he rolls with the momentum. He lands on his feet, somehow, as the madness starts around them. 

Kawarama's blade meets flesh, tearing through somebody's stomach, but they have a foreign clan symbol (they aren't Senju) so it doesn't matter at all to him who he's just killed. Everything is a mess of his pounding heart and the explosions of missteps and the absolute fear of not being able to see what's going on. 

Red eyes flash in the distance, and for a moment, Kawarama almost feels safe until he realizes that those are Uchiha eyes staring at him, not his brother's. Hot rage blinds him, and he meets the Uchiha's blade with his own. Another comes up from behind him, his age maybe, so he has to pull a kunai out too. His arms start to hurt, aching with the strain of two people coming at him, and Kawarama starts to struggle to keep fighting them and avoid stepping on the explosives under his feet.

Tobirama calls out his name from somewhere nearby. Quiet as he can manage to be with the _loudness_ of explosions nearby and the pained screams of the wounded. Kawarama ducks beneath a blow meant for his head, twisting around to watch out for the smaller Uchiha. Glances back up to meet the familiar red eyes that make everything feel a little safer. Tobirama's surrounded by Hagoromo, but that's alright. He knows how strong his big brother can be when he's in battle, how ruthless. Except he's not dancing around them in his usual grace, he isn't fighting back. 

His eyes are on Kawarama. He's terrified for him. (And it hits the younger Senju with a horrible clarity on why Father refused to usually let the two of them leave on missions together where enemy contact was inevitable.) He's worried for Kawarama, so much so that's fighting to get over here to him, to reach him, and he's neglecting his own fight. He's leaving openings in his defenses, offering far too much leniency, and that's dangerous. 

That's so dangerous. 

A sudden pain erupts in his leg, and Kawarama gasps, clutching at it. Tears fill his eyes and he throws himself out of the way of the sword that aims for his chest. Throws a couple kunai to keep them away. Everything hurts from his thigh down, the kunai still lodged in his flesh, and he chokes out a cry. It hurts so much, and he hears Tobirama's gasp from across the forest. And then a hurt grunt, and Kawarama realizes again that his brother is still trying to get to him, even if it means getting hurt himself. (And he wants him to come get him, he's scared and it hurts. _Hurts hurts hurts_.) But they're surrounded, everyone has their own battles to fight, and he can't be a distraction to his brother. He can't-- 

Kawarama can't be the reason his brother dies, because he tried to get to his stupid, less talented little brother who allowed himself to be injured by an Uchiha. He forces himself back up, determined to die a shinobi, to try and kill enough of these...these….(what's the word he isn't supposed to use? Bastards?) Uchiha to lighten the burden on his brother and teammates. 

But his leg seizes up with pain and he stumbles back down. Kawarama is frantic and terrified and he flings his elbow back until it hits bone. He hears the audible crack of the face against his arm, and he stumbles forward. His blood pulses so loudly, he can't hear anything else. Except Tobirama's call of his name. He looks up and meets distracted red eyes that never seem to leave him for very long. 

_Distraction, distraction, distraction._ His own mind taunts him, cruel. He's angry at himself. He's angry at these stupid Uchiha and Hagoromo. He's even just a little angry that Tobirama loves him just as much as he loves his older brother, so willing to die to make sure he's okay. He's not going to be much help now, not like this, not with so many Uchiha swarming around him like a crow to a carcass. Kawarama looks away, down at the scruff of dirt that Tobirama had started to show where the explosive tags were hidden. So many around him, even if he can't feel the steady thrum of chakra underneath his fingers like his brother can--

Oh. 

His brain gives him another unwise idea. Another very unwise idea. He looks up at Tobirama one last time, and finally lets the tears spill over. He wipes at his face hastily, trying to appear strong and unafraid, but he isn't strong right now and he's very very afraid. 

_I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die. I don't--_

This isn't taking a shuriken to his cheek. This isn't standing up to Father when he smells heavily of liquor and sweat and wants to go after Hashirama's throat. This isn't even touching those nasty dead rabbits that Itama keeps to cut off their feet for good luck. This isn't the usual fear that makes his blood turn to flame and makes every part of him feel more alive. 

It's an icy dread, like being dunked in cold water. Like when Tobirama splashes him with a new jutsu when he gets distracted during sparring. But it's for the best, somehow, right? It's the only option he has right now, everything considered. Because he has to look out for Tobira, because that's his brother which means he's the one that matters most, and Kawarama is distracting him. He's injured, he's not useful right now, and he's probably going to die anyway. 

Kawarama wipes his face one last time. With a shaky hand, he scrambles to grasp a kunai from his side pouch, just as the Uchiha turn their attention back to him. It happens so quickly, so fast that it helps some to not give him enough time to change his mind. He doesn't meet Tobirama's gaze again, because if he did, it might change his mind to see the concern in them. 

Kawarama looks over at the dirt on the ground. Scruffed by his brother's sandals. He could get rid of the distraction, and maybe the enemies closest to him, right? Tobirama was far enough away, right? He had a chance. 

Kawarama swallows hard. His hands are shaking. He's got ice running through his veins. 

_I don't want to die. I don't wanna die. I don't-- I don't want Tobirama to die, though._

He tosses his kunai directly at the small scruff of dirt, right where he knew the explosive was, where he knew his blade would do precisely. And then squeezed his eyes shut as tightly as he--

**_____ **

Everything was black. 

And then the thrum of chakra was heavy in the air. Like a firework, everything sparkled in his vision, everything burst into _white white white ._ Sizzling like cool water against hot stone, smoke like bamboo being lit aflame to make loud celebration poppers , and everything fizzled around him. 

Everything was aflame and bright and _BOOM BOOM BOOM--_

And then nothing hurt. 

  
  


**_____ **

**_ii._ **

Kawarama is selfish. 

He doesn't leave. He can't bring himself to leave. Not without his brother, not without knowing if he would be alright. Not if he couldn't protect him. So he follows along, after Tobirama and Itama, sometimes he manages to find Hashirama too. It isn't--

It isn't happy, like he had hoped. It isn't even close, because Hashirama is constantly arguing with their father. And Tobirama is left alone to compensate for the reciprocated rage and the cruel words and--

Nobody understands his silences like Kawarama did before. Nobody understands the stress in his muscles when he's upset, the way he goes rigid as if the idea of calming down might shatter him to a million pieces like a broken teapot. Nobody comforts him in the night after a horrible training session with Father, where Tobirama's hands are left raw and bloody from gripping wooden weapons, and he's bruised on tender skin that was too easily hurt. He shivered at night, without someone to share his futon with, and there was a sad little empty spot where Kawarama used to fill to make sure he was warm enough, since he was sensitive. 

(Mother was dead too. Just a little while after Kawarama, but he didn't see her. Maybe she managed to make it to the Purelands, or maybe she went to meet with the Gods of the Forest. But she's gone now. His brothers don't even have her now.)

There's a shrine. Small and private. Shinobi don't allow themselves to mourn, Kawarama knows that, so Father hadn't created any memorial to him. That was left to his brothers, although he hadn't been old enough for a proper portrait so they wrote his name (Itama did it, with his curvy, pretty handwriting) on a small scroll that they used for the shrine. They place it in Hashirama's room for him, and the offerings are meager, because food can't be wasted on him when they have mouths to feed throughout the compound. 

Hashirama lays down flowers. Itama puts a rabbit's foot for good luck, one of the ones that Kawarama remembers helping him with at one point or another. Luck isn't what he needs _now_ that he's dead now, though, but he appreciates it. 

Tobirama doesn't leave anything, but he visits the most. Mostly when Hashirama is gone, although Kawara doesn't know exactly where he goes all the time. He doesn't want to follow him, because he knows Hashirama can take care of himself. He's the best of them, so Kawarama leaves his worries for his other brothers. 

Itama is alright. He cries sometimes, mostly at night. Kawarama sits beside him when he sobs quietly into his hands at night, and he wants to touch him and hold him. His brother is so _little_ and he's so brave and he isn't going to ask for help even if he needs it. 

Neither will Tobira, though. It makes his stomach hurt, or maybe it doesn't because his body shouldn't be able to hurt since he's dead. Okay, it makes him very _sad_ to realize his family isn't the type to talk about how they feel or if they're sad. 

Tobirama doesn't cry at all. But he sits in front of the shrine, fingers tracing Kawarama's name, for hours at a time. No expression, no tears, just 

_Staring_. 

Just like right now. Kawarama kneels beside him, tilting his head. Tobirama closes his eyes and curls in on himself. 

"I...miss you." Tobirama tells his shrine, like it could hear him. And thankfully, Kawarama does, so he smiles all the same. "I miss you."

"I miss you too." Kawarama replies, but he doesn't dare try to put his arms around his brother to comfort him. He'd given him a terrible chill the last time, and his older brother was cold enough as it was. 

Tobirama didn't say another word. He kept his eyes on his brother's name, and Kawarama kept his eyes on his brother, and it felt like they were at a stalemate of sadness. 

**_____ **

Itama died.

Before he did, when he realized he's been surrounded by Uchiha men, all of them angry and dark _and dripping chakra that feels like crackling hot pan oil against the skin_ , Itama went white as their older brother. Kawarama felt absolutely helpless the entire time. He shouted furiously, trying to get somebody's attention, anybody at all to help Itama. Just a single Senju, that was all that he needed, because everyone of them was sworn to protect their heirs. 

If there had been any left alive from the original squad, they hadn't come to aid Itama. And when Kawarama realized what was about to happen, when he realized nobody could hear him or touch him, when he realized he couldn't do anything but scream into the soundless night, he tried to protect his brother. He tried so hard to concentrate, to focus his energy that wasn't quite like chakra, but was _something else_ . He was beside his brother, who was breathing heavily through little wet snorts and weeping. He stood there, trying to hide Itama's body with his own, to protect his little brave brother as much as he could. He willed himself to be just like a shield for his brother. A ghostly _shield_ , to take the blows meant for his shaking little brother. 

"It's okay." He'd heard himself say to his little brother. He hopes Itama heard him. "It's okay, I'm here. Nii-san's here, Itama, I'm not going to let them hurt you."

Everything got quiet, and Itama's crying stopped, and for a moment, Kawarama thought he really had protected Itama. His eyes fluttered open, and he realized how wrong he had been. Itama's eyes were still open and wet and there was _blood_ and--

Well, Itama died. 

His name gets added to the makeshift shrine, but Kawarama doesn't see him anywhere so he must be with Mother. That's a happy thought. He would be okay with their mother, right? He would be okay. 

And if Kawarama sees Tobirama sniffle quietly into his futon, well, there's nobody around to tell. 

**_____ **

"I need to tell Father something." Tobirama says softly to his shrine one day. "That would betray Anija's trust in me."

"Then don't do it." Kawarama tells him, although he knows he can't be heard. He clings to this life, to stay here with them, even if he can't be seen. (Although sometimes he wonders if he can be heard. Sometimes he feels so _strong_ and he swears people react to his rambling with fearful surprise, but isn't sure if they actually _hear_ him.)

"He's been meeting with an _Uchiha_ ." Tobirama explains quietly, voice low. He glanced around for a moment, studying his surroundings, as if the walls were hiding spies. "If he was to be hurt, and I did nothing --"

Kawarama doesn't know what to say about that. He doesn't want his brother meeting with an Uchiha, but he also doesn't want Father to be upset with Hashirama. When Father was enraged, there was little that could be done to appease him other than to watch his anger burn itself out. Or let one of your brothers take the blows until he has worked himself out of the anger. And this would-- this wouldn't end well. Not for Hashirama, perhaps not even for Tobirama. 

"He's your brother." Kawarama reminds his brother, hoping that maybe he can feel it. Maybe he'll be able to know what his twin's trying to say. But he probably won't. "You have to keep your brother's secrets!" 

Especially from Father. Tobirama should know that, should have that sense of _loyalty_ that had been instilled into them by a deep fear of the man. Of losing the love of the siblings that were all they had. Tobirama shouldn't say a single word of what he saw to their father, for the sake of Hashirama and himself. He shouldn't say a single word to their father.

Tobirama tells Father anyway. 

**_____ **

Hashirama doesn't speak to their brother for weeks afterwards. He doesn't acknowledge him, he doesn't look at him. He's upset, rightfully so, even if their brother was trying to do what was best. It was an Uchiha, after all. 

But it's eating away at Tobirama. The guilt, the loneliness. He's never done well by himself, he's always needed a brother by his side. Perhaps that's why the Gods thought to give him a brother so close in age, if the Gods their mother spoke about were real at all. But Hashirama is hurt, and Tobirama is stubborn, and both are upset so no apologies will come from either side.

Kawarama can't do anything to comfort either of his brothers. 

**_____ **

**_iii._ **

He interferes, somehow. 

Maybe he causes his Father's death or maybe he doesn't, but he did _something._ Because he was so angry at him for not protecting his brothers. For yelling at Hashirama, for raising his fists against him. For letting Tobirama take the blows, for forcing him to train outside during midday when his skin burned horribly, for being cruel to everyone. He's watched it happen for years and years and then right before this battle starts he--

Father tells both of his sons they've disappointed Kawarama and Itama's memories, for not securing the territory in the last fight. He tells them to do better, or to risk further spitting on their brothers' sacrifices. He didn't have any right to say that. He didn't know how Kawarama felt! About how proud he was of his brothers! Father was just mean and stupid and cruel and _mean mean mean--_

And so Kawarama screams, just like before with Itama. He wails, he shouts, he curses his father's name with as much passion as he could. His fists are clenched and his chest hurts with all the emotions he wants so spill out. 

And somehow, _somehow_ , in that rage, something shifts. His voice echoes across the battlefield, distracting Butsuma for just a moment. His head bobs up to look for the source of the voice. Just a single second, just one short moment, his father looks up. One moment is all it takes to die, he remembers being taught by Tobirama. It's all it takes for Butsuma to die. 

The naginata piercing his throat takes his Father by surprise. He gurgles on his own blood before the realization of what has happened even sets in, and Kawarama watches the flicker of recognition _(he saw him)_ in dark eyes before he finally died. 

Father doesn't join him. He must have moved on to the _wherever you go_. He hopes he isn't with Mother and Itama. 

And if that night, he sees neither Hashirama nor Tobirama shed any tears over their late father, Kawarama has nobody with him to tell. 

**_____ **

So he waits. He learns quickly how to distract people, by ushering in a cold chill or managing to call out in the midst of battle. Anything that could aid his brothers. 

Kawarama interferes, sometimes, when he feels he absolutely has to. When a Hyūga woman had his brother pinned down, he managed to distract her by yanking her hair slightly. Just a little, that was the best he could do and it exhausted him. But it was enough to give his brother time to counter her. He distracts Hagoromo shinobi when they inch a touch too close to his brother by going through them, watching them dissolve into wild trembling from the cold. 

He watches Tobirama shove his blade into the chest of an Uchiha girl that Kawarama managed to throw off guard by whispering into her ear. 

Sometimes, _sometimes_ , he thinks about whispering to his brothers too. But Kawarama thinks maybe that would be too cruel, because it would make them both sad to hear him and not see him, so he doesn't. He'll help them where he can manage to, because he just wants them to grow up and be happy and safe. He just wants to protect his brother. 

Although, sometimes he wonders if Tobirama knows he's there. It's strange, but when he settles beside his brother on his futon, he swears his brother relaxes just like when they were children. 

But Kawarama doesn't know for sure. 

**_____ **

**_iiii._ **

_A demon_ , the Uchiha whispers to each other when the night is dark and they huddle in the healer's tents after a battle. It begins as a silly story, just a myth from men that have spent far too much time on the battlefield with little sleep and too much adrenaline still pumping. 

It isn't believed, at first. Nobody else had seen it except for a few with the Sharingan.

"A _shadow?_ " They howl with laughter. A shadow that stays behind the Senju during battle, somehow lingering in their peripheral vision. Something. Small and darting, hovering at every battlefield. Always by the Pale Senju. Truly always by him. People snort and roll their eyes at the tales, because it sounds ridiculous to think the Senju bastard somehow has a-- a shadow, a oni by his side at all times. It's a trick of the light, or maybe trauma from too much time on the field. It's nothing.

Until it turns into something. More and more people begin to see _it_ . Not a true figure, more a darting _something_ that the Sharingan manages to catch partially. It's distracting. Terrifying. A demon that dances across the field, an omen. A symbol of death. It's always there, almost like a warning to keep away from that dangerous Senju that takes lives without hesitation and with far too much skill. It's enough to throw you off your guard, to create hesitation, dangerous feats on the battlefield. Many a shinobi have lost their lives to this _thing,_ having torn their attention away from the Pale Senju for only a second to look at whatever it was that lurked beside him. But even a second is too long. 

The Uchiha avoid him when they can. They try to stay away from that shadowy figure and the dangerous Suiton jutsu and the _whisperings_ of someone that isn't there and the cold chills that freeze one to their core. Only Izuna is brave enough (fearless or foolish, nobody's sure) to take Tobirama up in combat, regardless of the stories or the odd feeling that comes with being around him, or the flash of something in the corner of his vision. 

_A demon_ , they warn each other with quiet whisperings and glances out into the moonless night, as if whatever it was that stayed by Senju Tobirama's side would come for them. 

**_____ **

And then, in just one moment, Kawarama realizes he's become unnecessary. The moments that he's needed to protect his brother are rare now. It hits him, one day, watching his brother fight against an Uchiha, that he hasn't needed to help his brothers in a very long time. 

It hits him just a little later, too, that Tobirama isn't his brother anymore. Before, his brother had been seven years old and he had been short so Kawarama had to hunch over to make himself shorter. And before, his skin would burn and blister beneath the sun so they spent their days buried in scrolls, where Tobirama would explain concepts to him that he didn't understand. And they had shared a futon, even when their father said they were much too old to do, but Kawarama hadn't cared because he knew his big brother would get too cold. Tobirama would bristle under the staring of the clan, and he had been so thin. 

But now, Kawarama realizes, his brother isn't any of those things anymore. He's just as tall as Father was, with just as broad of shoulders too. All thin muscle now, and his ribs aren't showing. His skin doesn't burn so easily. He doesn't seem to acknowledge the staring, although there isn't much because he's more than worthy of the respect he's given as a valuable shinobi. He doesn't have any issues sleeping alone. He isn't too upset when he argues with Hashirama, and he has these marking on his face and body and--

It hits him then that Tobirama is a grown man now. He's an adult, and he's so much stronger than their father would have believed and he's so _intelligent_. He is an adult. He grew up. 

He doesn't need his baby brother anymore. He doesn't need Kawarama to lay with him at night to keep him warm. He doesn't need Kawarama to ruin his own face to shift the scrutiny to someone else. He doesn't need his brother watching his back anymore. He is an adult. His older brother grew up. 

He's bigger. 

And Kawarama is not. He's still seven, almost eight but he'll never get to turn that age. He still has dark eyes and ashy brown hair and round cheeks and small hands. They don't look alike anymore, they don't share a face because Tobirama has grown up. He's an adult, and he's strong and he's intelligent. He's everything he ever wanted to be when they were curled up on the futon at night and talked about their futures. Kawarama had wanted to go to Uzushio one day, and sail there all by himself on a boat that was entirely _his_ , and he would spend his days with the Uzumaki and then go back home at night. Tobirama had always just said he wanted to be strong enough to protect everyone. 

And now he was. He's capable of fighting his own battles without any interference from his late brother. He's strong, so strong. 

And Tobirama is okay. And happy. He doesn't need protecting. And even if he did need someone looking out for him, he has Hashirama as his big brother, and Anija is even better and more talented than Tobira. He's the strongest person he's ever seen now, sprouting trees as if it were easier than breathing. They don't need him. 

Tobirama doesn't need him now. Hashirama had never needed him. 

Kawarama did his part. He helped Tobira grow up, but he's not going to be able to help with anything past this so then-- he shouldn't stay, right? He needs to move on. He's lonely, not being able to talk to anybody or to have anybody be able to see him. And he doesn't have a reason to linger anymore. He can't stay without a purpose, can he? He misses Itama and Mother, and he's sure they miss him too, and he'll see his other brothers when they _die_. 

So he offers Tobirama a shaky smile that his older brother can't see, suddenly wracked with a new grief that hurts his chest. Kawarama blinks away tears he shouldn't have in the afterlife, and he sniffles loudly. He rubs his face and reminds himself that shinobi don't cry . 

(But is he still a shinobi, if he's dead?)

His brother is working on something at his desk. A seal, maybe. Something that could be used against that Uchiha he doesn't like, the one with the long hair and the smirk on his pale cheeks, the brother of Hashirama's former friend. He can't remember the name. 

Kawarama leans over, peering at kanji and symbols he can't understand, feeling in the dark about most things now. 

"Anija." He says. "I'm going to miss you." 

And then he's gone. 

**_____ **

**_v._ **

(One moment, he had been alright. And the next, it had felt like he had lost everything . 

It could have been said that Senju Tobirama had never been alone, until he had been. It was sudden and quick, because his entire life, it had felt almost as if his brother had been by his side. All the pain at his brother's loss had been soothed with time, the bed never seemed too big or lonely to him, and sometimes--

Sometimes, Tobirama forgot that his brother had died. Sometimes he felt as though nothing had changed, as if he could have turned around at any moment to see his brother there by his side, as if his death had been a miserable nightmare he had the night before. He began to rely on that strange feeling that somehow lulled away his loneliness and despair, and then it was gone. 

As if he had been struck, Tobirama had jolted from his seat. The ink spilled across his papers, the brush rolling off the desk to splatter across the floor, but it didn't bother him. It felt as it did years ago, in that last moment, right before his brother had-- had--

He was alone. And he didn't know what to do with that. He didn't want to be alone, without his favorite brother, and he couldn't-- couldn't handle this new pain that spread across his chest. A new grief, as if Kawarama had been struck down only yesterday. All that pain was back and twisting in his heart, and he couldn't handle the loss. It was too much, too painful, even so many years after. He needs his brother back.

That was the night he began working on the Edo Tensei.)

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> sigh 
> 
> i just really love the Senju brothers so much
> 
> but everyone's really sleeping on Kawarama. i love him the most. but now i also wanna write itama and maybe izuna UGH


End file.
